I know that I should have been listening and, as you can see from the picture, I genuinely made notes in my Bible as Glenn (our minister) shared his thoughts on the early church, but then I got distracted. I should have been focused on Acts 2:42-47 and the way that the early church devoted themselves to prayer, worship and the breaking of bread (you see I was listening), but these words caught my eye on the opposite page and they were all I could focus on for the rest of the service.
“My body rests in hope.”
Yet again I have avoided posting anything as the same situation looms over us. I’ve wanted to wait and write something shiny and positive but the reality is that we’re in exactly the same place we were before, only now it’s month 47. I decided to write about it because there are others who will also feel like they’ve been walking in circles for years and who will be wondering when their bodies, and minds, will feel truly rested. They’ll be wondering when all the questions about why this is still going on will stop and when every possible spiritual lesson has been learned and every character building experience has been exhausted.
I’m not a fan of taking one verse out of context to make it fit with a situation and that’s really not my intention here. I’ve done the background reading for this verse and could write paragraphs about its context, but when I saw the words of Acts 2:26 all I could see is that my body isn’t resting in hope, my body isn’t resting at all. My body is restless. I have fooled myself into believing I am in resting in God, when in fact I am holding my breath until it’s all over.
“I seem to hold two beliefs in my heart at all times. First, that I am totally safe and carefully held in the loving hands of my Father. Also, that I am really not.”
I believe God is firmly in control of this situation and whenever a worry or concern enters my mind I immediately convert it to prayer, but my body just doesn’t seem to be getting the message. Tight shoulders, tired eyes and the dull ache of a constantly weary mind are starting to take their toll and “thinking positively” is wearing thin. Withdrawing from friendships has also started to happen because who wants to drag other people down by going on and on about the same situation? I certainly don’t and it doesn’t change anything anyway. I know they’re already praying, they don’t need reminders from me. It is what it is. I know it will be fine. I know this won’t last forever. I know it’s “just for a season.” I know I’ll probably look back on this and see exactly where God’s hand was in it…I can already see that now, but…I’m restless.
As I said before, I wasn’t going to write any of this down as it seems a little self-indulgent. The wonder of social media is that you can present the world with the edited, air brushed version of you. I think people see through that though. I think often they just want some honesty
So, here it is...my profound word of wisdom for you all.
Life is pants sometimes.
God is there, but it’s still pants.
I wanted to write down how I felt today because it’s been one of the worst days for phone checking, getting distracted, messaging Moorbs to find out where the situation is at and generally doing the opposite of resting in God. I wanted to record this day so that somewhere down the line when I’m faced with a friend in a similar situation, I can read this post and remember what it feels like. I want to have somewhere to go back to and remember what it feels like to have to completely and utterly trust that God is in control. To remember how difficult resting in hope is, while knowing it’s the only way to find any peace in the middle of uncertainty.
“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.”
My Facebook feed highlights that I am not alone in this. There are many people working through difficult situations at the moment whether it be grief, job loss, ill health, marriage difficulties, the list goes on and on. I suppose that this blog is my way of holding out my hand in the dark and letting you know that I get it.
Life is pants sometimes.
God is there, but it’s still pants!
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs about avoiding tying things up in a neat bow. Yet again, there’s no bow here. I’m just going to keep trying to rest in hope. I'm going to keep praying, keep reading God’s word and keep trusting in the verses that follow Acts 2:26.
“For you will not leave my soul among the dead
or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.
You have shown me the way of life,
and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.”